And so inevitably, with two teams in the league, we would meet each other, and on the basis that we had selected the ‘A’ team to be the stronger combination, the result would probably be predictable. Table Tennis is not like football, where a minnow can despatch a big name in a cup tie, helped perhaps by the run of the pitch and some doubtful decisions by the ref. No, in TT at this level, form normally dictates the result. In addition, we know each others’ games so well and the higher rated players know the weak spots of the less experienced players. However, we knew that the match would be played with a good spirit with the opportunity to discuss the performance straight away over a pint in the Shears.

Terry Allingham, our expensive import from Wibsey, can return almost anything at this level, driving his opponents to eventual distraction and self-destruction. So it happened tonight. Against John Mitchell, an early pattern of his steady play while John was still starting to get into his game led to 11-2 in G1. John showed some flashes of style in G2, but still went down 11-4.Terry’s effective chopped returns, plus his ability to get most shots back finished off the encounter at 11-4. Against the other Terry (W), TA moved into a swift lead. Some of W’s attacking shots worked, but others did not and TA won 11-4. G2 was more even and at 7-6, it could have gone either way. Again TW achieved some spectacular wins, but let himself down with other shots missing the end of the table. TA won that 11-6. In G3, TW started well but allowed TA to get level, and then squeeze ahead by consistency to win 11-7.

Finally, he despatched Robin Thomas fairly easily. Terry A adopted his usual defensive style, lulling his opponent into a deep sleep for a while, whilst occasionally surfacing to attempt a wild smash. G1 was lost 11-3. G2 saw more of the same with Terry returning most of the attack shots. Indeed, in G3, Terry’s defensive shots took on more of an attack mentality and led to a white wash.

John Taylor bamboozled most of the ‘B’ team with his serve. We’ve tried week after week to get to grips with his cunning exploits with spin and the ball goes everywhere but on the table, hitting the ceiling, bursting into the spectators of invading the adjacent playing area.

Against Robin, John perhaps allowed his concentration to drop a little, perhaps his stomach looking ahead to the delicious prospect of steaming, meaty pork pies, drizzled with plump, sumptuous peas in The Shears after the match, and he beat Robin 11-6, 11-5 and 11-8. John occasionally made a spectacular mess of his serve while Robin attempted one or two useful forehand attacks, but the result was never really in doubt.

The battle of the two Johns, Taylor and Mitchell turned out to be the match of the day, but without an irritating introduction by Gary Lineker. JT won G1 on the back of a couple of outrageous fluke shots, at 12-10. But JM fought back in G2, being more consistent and seeming to be improving his mobility and accuracy. JT’s fluke shot was balanced by one of his disastrous serves, and JM was level by 11-9. In G3, JM seemed to be handling his opponent’s spin serve and he seemed to be putting JT under some pressure. However, JT consolidated to win 11-8. In G4, JM recovered to level after a poor start and eventually won 11-9, level with a decider to come. This final match was level pegging. With JM exhorting himself in his typically blunt manner, but John Taylor held his game together under pressure and moved to an 11-7 win.

Against Terry Wassall, JT confused him at first with his wily serves, and goaded him into some wild smashes, to win 11-5. However in G2, TW fought back and executed his fearsome backhand flick with a bit more venom, to win 11-8. In G3 Terry also recorded some effective hits while JT missed some of his, but he held it together to win 11-6. In G4, Terry balanced some good winners with some over-hits, and John moved ahead to win 11-6, overall 3-1.

Peter McMullen, showing flexibility well above one could expect for a man of his years, despatched his opponents with a mixture of attacking forehand hits and some useful back hand flicks. Against Terry W, Peter moved smoothly ahead while Terry was finding his feet. (If you see them anywhere, call the nearest police station). Terry over-hit some of his attacking shots and Peter showed consistency to win 11-5. A similar pattern emerged in G2, with Peter smoothly pulling away to win 11-6. G3 was more balanced when a good smash brought Terry to 5-6. Peter fluked off the edge of the table and duly won 11-8.

Peter’s match with Robin saw a rare win in G3, and a close game in G2, winning some middle-aimed serves and returning better with the help of the odd fluke. However, Peter’s overall steadiness helped him win the encounter, 11-3, 13-11, 6-11 and 11-3. Finally, Peter took on John Mitchell, both of them appearing to be wearing sponsored socks (Umbro and Roller if you must know.). By this time, John may have been tiring and Peter moved effortlessly to 11-4. John achieved some effective smashes to get closer in G2, but to lose 11-7. Peter’s characteristic top spin return was effective in G3 and he won 11-6.

And so, the inevitable happened and the ‘A’ team duly extinguished the ‘B’ team 9-0, but some useful performances were recorded in both teams.

Afterwards, the group repaired to The Shears, full of expectation. Would the appetising aroma of thick pork gravy covering chunks of fleshy pork assail their nostrils as they entered the pub? Well, no, despite Peter’s careful orders to the pie company. The pies did not arrive! Was there a national strike of piemen, over modernisation or privatisation? Had top level negotiations broken down? Would there be a world shortage of pies? No, we believe the answer will be a more down to earth, local situation. We think the pieman was on his way to the pub, but must have been overtaken by a sudden desire to sample the pies, that he pulled into a lay-by, consumed one pie, sinking his teeth into the crumbly pastry and then gnawing his way through the rest before going to another pub, to drown his sorrows in the sure knowledge that his job would be finished. He would go on job seekers allowance and would never be able to afford a quality pie again.

Overall, a satisfying evening of table tennis, a pleasant drink, and a pie-shaped gap in the players’ stomachs. We intend to keep a statistical record of any future delivery failures, possibly using a pie chart!