March 10, 2010
From past experience, we knew this would be a difficult fixture, but we could only do our best. Like John Terry, we would be playing away, although the pleasures would only involve ball and bat. Our opponents would have the advantage of knowing the table well and would know their way to the venue, always a tricky assignment for city dwellers. Most of the snow had gone as we approached this attractive village, fighting our way through unruly herds of cows, sheep all over the place and crowds of drunken locals outside the pub munching Yorkshire pudding.
John Mitchell commenced against Derek Williamson, who briefly revealed a tanned, honed torso as he removed his track suit top. He started well as Derek adjusted to his serve, but Derek recovered well to take G1 11-9. John started talking to himself, always a sign of frustration, as more of Derek’s back hand smashes worked, taking him to 11- 4. John pulled himself together in G3, with some effective fore hand smashes, to win 11-5. At various amusing moments, Sue’s deep, slightly croaky laugh rang out, like a solitary crow on a hillside. G4 started evenly, but Derek played with care, and with the help of one fluke, won 11-5, to take the set.
Robin couldn’t cope with Don Cameron’s tricky spin serve and returned a large number into the net. He achieved some good back hand returns, but lost G1 11-6. G2 was a little closer, but Don edged to 11- 8. G3 had some exciting rallies, but the result was around the same at 11-6.
By this time, Terry had arrived after another Magical Mystery Tour of the Pennines. He needed to get warmed up quickly, so a massage was arranged with a local 25 stone milk maid, Hortense. In the warm up, a stray shot from Terry nearly turned your correspondent into the Lord Nelson of TT writers. After a tentative start, Sue Allen surged to an 11-5 win. Wearing what looked like cheap moccasins from Asda, she used her spin serve to cause Terry some problems and executed a high proportion of successful smashes to win G2 11-5. In what turned out to be the final game, things were much closer, Terry kept in touch with his usual mixture of breathtaking winners and gut-wrenching failed smashes. Sue performed a spectacularly bad serve and let out a huge roar of disapproval. It reached 11-11, but Sue produced a couple of good shots to win 13-11.
Exhorting himself to wake up, John started with more confidence against Don, using Billy Cotton’s old catch phrase, ‘Wakey, Wakey’, and moved to win G1 11-9, after Don missed the table with a crucial serve. John was now dealing with Don’s serve, and although he missed a couple of smashes, John won G2 11-7. Don fought back well in G3, steadying his game down and executing some effective forehand smashes. John started talking to himself as Don won 11-4. It seemed to work, as did more shouting as John tied up the set 11-6.
Robin then took on Sue who won G1 11-8 with some accurate returns. Robin replied to win 11-9 after some great shots, but in the remaining games could not keep the ball away from Sue’s effective forehand and she won them 11-8 & 11-7. There were some fast encounters, but Sue was too accurate overall.
I couldn’t help but notice that John seemed to be using a grotty old towel he could have stolen from a rabid tramp, but I digress. By this time, Terry and Derek were squaring up for what turned out to be a well fought encounter. Terry’s back hand flick was starting to work, but not all the time and Derek won G1 11-5. Terry smashed well in G2 and Derek was on the wrong end of a couple of flukes which dented his concentration. Terry was having regular drinks of what could have been holy water and won G2 11-6. By this time, your TT correspondent had noticed that Derek played mainly back hand with a strange oriental grip. It worked quite well, but not quite well enough and in G3, Terry edged to 12-10. Derek’s BH deteriorated in G4, while Terry stared to improve the success of his attacks. Derek told himself to wake up, but to no avail and Terry won 11-9, to take the set 3-1.
Sue started well against John, but he fought back to level at 5-5. At this stage John described his game as ‘Tripe’. Sue squealed, John howled and the game eventually went to Sue at 16-14. The match confirmed how effective TT would be on Digital Radio. John surged to 11-6 in G2 helped by some good returns (his) and some bad serves (hers). G3 started with a powerful shriek from John as he continued to play to her strong forehand and she prevailed at 11-6. In G4, we heard Sue crying out ‘Aah!’, while John admonished himself with ‘Nasty!’ It was like hearing two demented hyenas. Though winning 11-9, John denounced his performance with ‘John, you stood there like a prune!’ Sue started well in the decider, but again John fought back to get level. At 8-8, John was beginning to breathe heavily like a veteran film actor in a dimly lit love scene and ran out of steam for Sue to win 11-8 and the set.
The match had been lost by the time Terry met Don, but both continued to play competitive TT. Terry’s smashes started to work as he won G1 11-9. He further went for his shots in G2, but Don also won some good forehand smashes. However, Terry moved to 11-6. By this time, Terry was glugging water every couple of shots, like a marathon runner and Don was able to get back a game, 11-9. In G4, Don missed some smashes while Terry’s percentage improved and he won 11-7. Don had the consolation of winning the best dressed player award, with his expensive trainers, neat blue track suit, matching blue tank top, the outfit completed with an attractive blue and red bat. They are all using them these days.
Finally, Derek beat Robin 11-6, 11-4 and 11-4 using his trademark back hand and a very strange looking serve as he crouched almost below the table to impart some fiendish spin which bamboozled your Team Sec.
As usual, the match was played with good humour and sportsmanship as successful shots were applauded. The team then sped back to civilisation, having lost 3-6.