POPPS ‘B’ v Old Town Hares Handicap Doubles QF played at the HX Centre, Tuesday March 30 2010. Popps B lost by 26 points.

In the first round, POPPS ‘B’ defeated Div 1 Batts, courtesy of probably a fairly generous handicap. In round 2, they met a side lower than themselves in the league, Sowerby 3 and had to win whilst conceding a reasonably generous handicap to them. Our quarter final opponents, Old Town Hares, are riding high in Division 3 and will need to give us a start. But we have the consistent (and persistent) Terry Allington on board to help us keep a steady ship. The other crew mates are a more volatile group, the occasionally suicidal attacker, Terry W, and your team secretary, known to lose his composure for any excuse, like losing a point. However, in doubles a group mentality emerges and as in English public school novels, one hates to let the side down. So we shall see how things worked out.

Popps would have to achieve an average of 25 points per game to be in with a chance and it was clear from G1 between our 2 Terries and Hares team: Simon Rothwell & Cliff Eden, that such a target would be difficult. They moved to a swift lead and people found Cliff’s fiendish serve hard to read. There were some good rallies. Terry W won some effective smashes, but missed others and Terry A’s legendary steadiness could not prevail. Hares won 42-18.

Simon appeared to be sponsored by Carlsberg, but the 15 pints of Special Brew consumed before the match did not appear to affect his game. The letters RBK on his shirt suggested a love affair with Robbie Keane, a player who completely failed at Liverpool. Simon appeared to be wearing Robbie Keane football boots, and for all I know, a Robbie Keane autograph jock strap.

Terry A & Robin Thomas came together for G2 V Simon & Phil Ward, who cruised to a 42-22 win.Terry’s job was to protect himself from the inevitable smash given to Robin’s shots and we did well to achieve 22. G3 saw Terry W and Robin V Cliff/Phil. Robin managed to vary his serve to occasional good effect and Terry executed some smart returns under pressure, but we still went down 42-17.

At first sight, Cliff appeared as a sort of TT Peter Crouch, towering above the other Hares and over his opponents. Close inspection of his muscular frame and powerful head, fashionably clipped, saw a closer resemblance to Lawrence Dallaglio, the World Cup Rugby legend. Either way, he brought an intimidating presence to his game.

G4 saw the Terries V Simon & Phil. Popps started well, but Hares caught up at 7-7. Phil howled like a banshee at one point and Popps levelled at 15. Would a win be possible? They were being caught out of position, a sort of John Terry syndrome and Hares moved ahead with some effective forehand smashes from Phil. A shambolic serve from Terry W led to a defeat 42-36, a much more creditable performance.

Terry A & Robin were even closer in G6, losing 42-40 to Simon & Cliff. Robin produced some useful back hand flicks and Terry remained steady, while the concentration of Hares seemed to dip.

During G7, it was noticeable that Hares were adopting a new receiving stance, with one player standing immediately behind the receiver, like an evil shadow so that it wasn’t always clear who you were supposed to be serving to. The 2 Terries tried to keep in touch with Cliff & Phil, but Cliff’s varied serves won them many points. They changed ends at 20, a bit like taking part in a sex marathon, but it didn’t change the outcome, with Hares progressing to 42-18. Phil was dressed like an ageing hippie, with an old pair of jeans, some vintage trainers and a faded pink shirt from, it said, the Battle State 62 (Toxteth, Brixton, Beirut ? we’ll never know)

In contrast, the prize for best dressed player, not just for this match, but possibly for the whole of the HX league or indeed the UK league, went to Cliff, with neatly pressed matching, colour coordinated black top and shorts, with a natty white stripe and the logo ‘Donic’, plus expensive monogrammed trainers. In his bag he has 15 top grade bats an inexhaustible supply of rubbers. Well you know what TT players get up to these days.

The match rumbled to its inevitable end with Terry A & Robin going down 42-17 to Cliff & Phil, while in the final game Terry W & Robin finally ran out of steam to slump 42-13 in what turned out to be a procession.

This led to an early finish, a relief to our visitors who needed to swiftly get back to the wild hills of Old Town before the village sinks into late evening chaos, with manic wild animals on the road and wild women being thrown out of the pubs. At this time of night, wolves howl at the moon, cattle moan restlessly and sheep run maniacally along the hills. Woe betide a fit young table tennis player (like Phil ??) alone in the village at throwing out time where he could be set upon by hordes of buxom young milk maids and shepherdesses, clad in mud-stained dresses from a bygone age, with laddered stockings, acne and ex-army suspender belts singing, vomiting and checking their emails on their blackberries.

As usual, the game was played with good humour and Hares now go onto greater things in the s semi-finals.