Popps B (0) v Spartans (9) July 12 2010

Popps Team: Alwyn Kershaw, Dennis McGuinness & Robin Thomas.
Spartans: Steve Hansen, Mick Mullins, Karthick Shetty

Spartans are a Division 2 side in the winter league and had already delivered a convincing defeat in our earlier match, so Popps were not expecting any miracles.

Last time, Spartans were missing a player and roped in a starving beggar from the street outside, who was promptly beaten by Terry Wassall. Perhaps Spartans would turn up with a full side this time round and of course we would be missing the erratic but occasionally flamboyant Terry. Dennis and Alwyn are both on fast learning curves as they pick up their games after a gap, while Robin’s game hasn’t seen much of a learning curve since kindergarten days, playing with a sandpaper bat on the kitchen table.

Why are they called Spartans? Are they a tough, athletic race who lives a hard life, training all the time and occasionally attacking Persia? Now we would find out.

Given our rather poor record in this league, perhaps the team would do well to study some videos of Matthew Syed, (former UK No 1 & Commonwealth Singles Champion, now an award-winning sports journalist) so as to develop a more effective defensive style. Most of them are too old to put in the sort of hours of practice advocated in Matthew’s learned treatise ‘Bounce’, even if they did nothing else, so perhaps they should learn to become so adept at defence that they force their opponents to go for ill-advised smashes. Such an approach would force these guys to move at a speed they will not have experienced since their younger days, for example running to the bar when last orders are called.

Alwyn against Steve saw Alwyn initially creeping ahead in a tentative way as both players sounded each other out like mating stags, both utilising spin and keeping the pace slow. Though level at 10-10, Steve tightened up his game to win at 12-10. He improved in G2, despite an excellent return from Alwyn, who then missed a couple. Steve opened up an unassailable lead, from 6-2 to 11-5. In G3, Alwyn tried to toss up the ball to tempt Steve towards rash smashes. It worked on some shots, but Steve was now improving his forehand and moved to 10-5. Alwyn then gave him the point with a botched serve. 11-5 meant a 3-0 win for Spartans.

Dennis, bronzed and fit after his world tour of Malta then met Mick, a surprisingly effective operator despite various major NHS repair jobs on his limbs and one pending. After a lengthy ritual of removing his track suit bottoms, Mick trailed initially to Dennis, but the game was scrappy with Mick having a bit more consistency to move to 11-8. Mick’s backhand started to work while the fast serve from Dennis sometimes failed and Mick edged to 11-6 to win G2. Both players made mistakes in G3, Dennis missed some simple forehands and Mick also slipped up on some scrappy forehands, but despite not being very mobile, he used his skill and experience to outwit Dennis to win 11-8 and the set 3-0.

If I’ve got this right, Karthick is happy to be called ‘Kar’ and he took on Robin in M3. His game was characterised by a good spin serve and an effective back-hand flick which he executed at the right moment, winning 11-6, 11-5 & 11-4, with your correspondent starting off badly and steadily going down hill. Kar is by profession a psychiatrist and one would imagine him having a field day trying to analyse the weird bunch of strangely dressed characters making odd shouts at moments of triumph and despair who come under the description of TT players.

Alwyn then took on Mick in what turned out to be the longest match of the night. Mick took time to settle down, making some silly mistakes. Alwyn moved ahead. Alwyn wasted a couple of strange serves and then tried to tempt Mick by tossing up the ball. Alwyn over-hit a couple of balls and it was level at 10 each. A good final serve from Alwyn took him to 13-11. In G2, Alwyn continued his tossing regime to mixed effect and a powerful smash from Mick elicited a big, almost primeval shout from Alwyn. Of course, he lives in Outlane, a rather primitive and savage part of Yorkshire, where men shout at each other as the night falls over the fells. Sometimes, naked witches dance in the glow of raging camp fires. You should go there. But back to the game. A Mick fluke took him to 9-8, it moved to 10 each and Mick held his body together to lurch to 12-10. G3 stayed level at 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 and could have gone either way, but Mick again contrived to win 13-11. By this time, the combined World Cup Football reporting teams had arrived to commentate in the mounting excitement. Garry Linacre nearly choked on his baboon flavoured crisps. In G4, Alwyn moved to a dramatic 7-1 after a good start as Mick appeared to tire. He briefly rallied, but Alwyn cruised ahead to win 11-5.

By this time, Adrian Chiles was wetting himself as the two old stagers battled it out in the deciding encounter. Mick’s smashes started to work and Alwyn started to lose concentration. Two good smashes by Alwyn were not enough to rescue the situation and Mick won the game at 11-5 and the set at 3-2.

Robin then had a brief encounter with the steady Steve, who reeled off 11-6, 11-3 & 11-3. His game was a few leagues above Robin’s, with a difficult spin serve and a strong all-round game. Robin seemed to accelerate the end of the game, as hunger pangs kicked in. The earlier the finish, the sooner the supper.

After a good start, Dennis flopped badly against Kar. They were well matched at first, at 5-5 in G1, but Kar’s smashes were starting to work. He won at 11-9. Dennis started well in G2 and it was level at 5-5. Dennis missed a back hand and Kar moved ahead, whilst confusing Dennis with his serve. Kar won G2 at 11-6 and in G3, Dennis had no answer. He frequently over-hit or hit the net and generally lost his concentration, going down 11-1.

Match 7 showed a flicker of excitement as Robin took a game of Mick. However, he could not sustain the effort and Mick won 3-1.

Alwyn returned to the table for a grilling from Kar, losing the first game 11-4. Alwyn won some smashes, but Kar timed them better, waiting for the chance to execute his slick back hand flick to good effect. Kar not only played smart table tennis, but won the prize for the smartest attire, with a fetching colour coordinated tracksuit, making the rest of the players looking like down and outs at a city soup kitchen having been clothed at the annual Oxfam sale. He won G2 11-5, as Alwyn’s inconsistency dogged him. G3 looked more promising at 5-5, but Alwyn skied one shot into the adjacent court and made a complete mess of a serve and a back hand. Kar went on to win 11-6.

In the final match, Dennis endeavoured to salvage some honour against Steve, but without success. Whist both players made mistakes, Steve was more consistent and won 11-6 in G1. He moved into an early lead in G2 as Dennis tried to find a strategy which would work. He didn’t. Steve had a couple of effective smashes as Dennis skied the ball. 11-3. In G3, Steve went for his shots more and missed some, but he had momentum. Dennis tried to steady things, but hit the net a couple of times. Steve’s lead developed from 5-1, to 9-3, eventually winning at 11-4.

So Spartans won 9-0, with Popps picking up the odd game. However, as usual in this league, the match was played with good sportsmanship and humour. You’ll be pleased to hear that there were no dangerous tackles, no swearing, no yellow cards, no red cards, no heads sinking into hands, no crude victory celebrations, no attacks either on or from the crowd, no WAGS (although Mick had his lovely wife watching him whilst playing a computer game), and no attempts to sink football studs into a player’s chest. After all, this was not the World Cup; it was the courteous, sportsmanlike game of Table Tennis. OK, we didn’t have Nelson Mandela to grace the proceedings, but many of the players were probably as old or even older.